EVERYDAY, WITH DR. ELIAS LOCKE
Tuesday, October 27, 2026

The Pie That Saved Tuesday

A fictional column from the Electric Icarus universe, created by Jon LaBelle.

Tuesday.

At ten minutes past nine, a flying saucer parked over the Last Chance Diner, casting a shadow across three pickup trucks and a perfectly respectable scarecrow.

Miss June stepped outside.

“You can’t leave that there.”

A hatch opened.

“We are conducting a planetary evaluation.”

“Then evaluate it from the parking lot. You’re blocking the breakfast sign.”

Two small green visitors emerged, one carrying a clipboard and the other wearing a baseball cap that read PIE FIXES PROBES.

They approached my table.

“Are you the local representative of human intelligence?”

“Depends who’s asking and whether there’s a test.”

“We are deciding whether Earth deserves another revolution.”

“Political or astronomical?”

“At this point, both are under review.”

The taller visitor opened a dossier.

“Your species has invented automated telephone menus, self-checkout machines that accuse customers of theft, and a device that burns bread while calling itself a toaster.”

“That last one’s a fair criticism,” I admitted.

“We require one convincing reason to permit the planet to continue rotating.”

“Well, I could explain the mathematics of orbital mechanics.”

“We know the mathematics.”

“I could demonstrate human ethical reasoning.”

“We’ve read your comment sections.”

“Then we may be in trouble.”

Miss June arrived carrying two slices of pecan pie.

“Nobody makes decisions about the end of the world on an empty stomach.”

The visitors examined their plates.

“What is this substance?”

“Pie.”

“What is its purpose?”

“Depends how bad your morning’s been.”

The smaller visitor took a bite.

His eyes widened.

The lights inside the flying saucer began flashing.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“Our instruments are registering an unprecedented concentration of satisfaction.”

“That’s June’s pecan pie. It does that.”

The taller visitor sampled his portion.

He immediately closed the dossier.

“This complicates our findings.”

“How so?”

“Your civilization appears capable of producing something excellent without first declaring war on it.”

“Give us time,” I said.

Miss June poured

Editorial status: Original manuscript excerpt. The source record ends here; the concluding passage is pending recovery. This is an unpublished draft.